Signs Your Mom is Trying Too Hard to Get You Married

Did you just mention a guy’s name?  Doesn’t matter if he’s your friend, your coworker, or the repair man that came to fix your air conditioner. She wants details.

She will flirt with men your age in an attempt to hook you up. Sure, she tells them all about her daughter, but the guy never really knows if she’s trying to set  him up with you or her.

She thinks you’re too picky. Give him a chance, she says!

Are you running out to the grocery store to pick up milk? Not in those sweatpants, you’re not.

No matter how many times you’ve recapped your awful dates with guys you met online, she insists you should ‘get back out there’.

She wants to know why you’re not interested in your neighbour. You know, the one who didn’t even finish high school.

What about the magician from your cousin’s bat mitzvah?

The cookie man that works at Costco?

Why not the guy half your height?

She’s worried when you tell her all the guys you hang out with are ‘just friends’.

She keeps you updated on everyone who is getting married and having babies. Whether you know who the heck they are is irrelevant.

She introduces you to men she barely knows.

What about the guy you went out with that hasn’t called you in over a month? You should see what he’s up to.

She tells you to be ‘nicer’ to guys and ‘let loose’. You know exactly what she means.

She says things like, ‘You know, I’d really like grandkids someday’.

She calls you everyday wanting to know about that nice guy you mentioned in passing. (He turned out not to be very nice).

She wants the world to know she has really nice daughters.

She carries pictures of you in her wallet to show to ‘nice guys’ she meets at the grocery store, at the gas station, at the bank and even at funerals.

She has your phone number memorized, for the sole purpose of handing it off to eligible bachelors. And when they call you, she swears it wasn’t her.

Well, there goes your chances with any man your mom has met.


The 5 Guys You’ll Meet on Tinder

You’ve probably heard of it. Tinder is the newest fad for online daters. Profiles consist merely of your name, age and a few photos, removing the social stigma associated with online dating sites that require a detailed profile. So how does it work? You set your preferences for age, gender and location and the app pulls up people around you who fit your criteria. If you see someone you’re physically attracted to, you ‘like’ them. It’s only when two people both like each other that you have the option to send them a message. Essentially, it’s not much different than meeting someone at a  bar. You’re initially interested because they’re cute, you chat them up for a bit to see if they’ve got some personality, then you ask them for their number and eventually go out on a date.

Guys love it because

1. They don’t have to put in much effort. A simple ‘hey’ is enough to warrant a reply.

2. They can tell their friends they’re just using it to get laid.

Girls love it because

1. Not every guy on there is a socially awkward stage 5 clinger like most online dating sites.

2. You can filter out the creeps with the ‘block’ button.

And both men and women love it because you can meet people without having to leave your bed. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll meet someone new in less than 24 hours.

No matter what kind of guy you’re looking for, you can almost guarantee you’ll come across him on Tinder.

The Nice Guy

He’ll actually want to know about you. He will ask all kinds of questions to show he’s interested. He will text you almost immediately after your first date to say he had a great time and that he hopes to see you again. He’ll never make you wait around, always confirm dates in advance and works around your schedule. He will bring you a bottle of wine when he comes over,  compliment you even after your hair went frizzy from the rain and he will never let you pay for anything. If you’re sitting on a patio at night, he’ll ask the waitress for a table inside when it gets cold. If an obnoxious drunk is yelling in your ear, he’ll offer to switch spots with you. And if you don’t understand the rules at a baseball game, he’ll miss a couple innings to explain them to you. But of course, you won’t be interested.

The Self Absorbed

He will think he has you before he even meets you. He will ask you absurd questions just to ‘test you’. He will act like he is the only one who gets to decide if he’s interested because he can’t fathom the idea that someone may not like him. When you ask him how his week’s going, he will write you a novel about what he’s been up to. And you’ll wait for the ‘what about you?’ But it won’t come. He will insult you and you will never really be sure if he’s kidding. When you go out for dinner with him and order a $6 roll of sushi and hand him $20 when the bill comes, he’ll take it. And he’ll keep the change. When he comes back from a weekend trip, he will tell you he had a one night stand and realized he hasn’t gotten it all out of his system yet (surprise). At least he’ll be honest.

The I’m New to CanadaYou-must-be-new-here2

You’ll talk minimally, but the Irish accent will be enough to make you agree to a date. You’ll have no idea how to pronounce his name before you meet him. Good thing he’ll be bringing you out with his friends so you can wait for them to say his name and not have to ask him what it is. You will never really talk about anything serious or intelligent. Or maybe you will, but you’ll always have trouble understanding what he says when he doesn’t speak slowly. He wont exactly be the Gerard Butler from PS I Love You. He’ll be more like the PS I Want to Drink With You. Or the PS I Want to Sleep With You. If you don’t put out after 3 dates, he’ll probably lose interest. After all, he’s new to the country and he will have heard that Canadian girls are easy.

The I Don’t Look Like My Pictures

When you don’t recognize the person calling your name, you’ll know this date will be over before it starts. You won’t quite know  who this guy is that you’re about to get drinks with but it definitely won’t be the guy in the pictures. When he replies with “word” once you agree on a bar to go to, you’ll know his pictures weren’t the only thing from high school. When you’re texting, he’ll tell you he’s looking for a new job. But you’ll have no idea that this means he’s been unemployed for months and passes time by smoking marijuana while playing video games. He’ll also tell you he just quit smoking cigarettes. 10 points! And 20 points quickly lost when he pulls out his electronic cigarette and smokes it inside the bar. Aside from the fact that you’ll already hate him for tricking you with old pictures, you’ll have absolutely nothing in common with him and everything he says will be a turn off. You’ll end the date early and be in bed at 1030 on a Friday night. You won’t be seeing him again.

The Liar

He’ll charm your socks off from the minute you meet him and you’ll have instant chemistry. He will tell you he’s looking for something serious and you’ll believe it because he calls you often, always wants to know when he’ll see you again and he lets you in on personal things. You’ll know when his dad is sick, when his sister has a baby and all the details of his past relationships. But eventually it’ll be too much effort for him to keep up with his own lies.  So he’ll be honest. He’ll tell you he’s sleeping with other girls, that he never wanted anything serious, and that he thought you were lying when you told him you don’t sleep around. And then he’ll tell you that you should probably go home and think about all of it and let him know if you still want to see him.

In the end, you’ll be thankful for the free dinners and drinks. You’ll appreciate the good conversations. But you’ll realize you sure know how to pick ’em!